Saturday, March 01, 2008

Semi Finals

SHEVIL KNEVILS- 73 points vs RUSHIN ROLLETTES- 72 points

1st Half
Yowza, what a historic match for the Bruisers! The Knevils, who haven’t won a bout in two seasons won by a single point against the Rollettes, who haven’t lost a bout in two seasons! The Knevils dedicated their game to their recently deceased namesake, “Evel” Knievel, who died November 30, and surely his spirit was watching over them tonight. The entire team was in good form and played an aggressive game all around, led by high scoring jammers , The Eviscerator (29 points), Punch Kisser (17 points), and Trash Talkin Tina (14 points).
The Rollettes were down four jammers (Boner, Dr. Hari Huha, Holly DeClaw, and Reina Pain) and perhaps overcompensated by playing too aggressively, with players constantly being sent to the penalty box, spreading a thin line up thinner.
The weight of the scoring fell to Smirk Savage (20 points), Fly Girl (the high scorer of the night with 36 points), and Jackie O’Nihilate (16 points).
Early on Terror Lapinski checked Smirk Savage out of the way, and Captain Becky the Butcher and Trash Talkin Tina took leading jams. Pound Anya was quickly sent to the penalty box, the first of four times, with a total of 17 penalties.
Last jam before the half, Punch Kisser called it without being lead jammer, but the Knevils were still just down by one point.

2nd Half
About five jams in and the announcers said the penalty box looked like a clown car. True. Between the fifth and sixth jams it was visited by Becky the Butcher, Gogo Atari, Jesse Jameson, Jailhouse Roxie, Pound Anya, Poptart, and Smirk Savage, a good percentage of the Rollettes.
“Yeah, the Rollettes had their own personal VIP suite to view the was located in the penalty box!” said Rollette Fidela Castrate.
Irrational Velvet started a jam solo, and The Eviscerator skated a brilliant jam. I’ve never seen the crowd go crazy like when it was announced that Knevils had sealed it with one point and “Don’t Stop Believe’n” by Journey blared on the loudspeakers.
“I wasn’t able to skate due to my injury, but I would like to say how proud I am of my teammates in their much deserved win! And by the way I wasn’t crying there was something in my eye.” Knevils co-Captain Sugar Tank told me.

CRAZY 8’S- 66 points vs MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 62 points

1st half
The 8’s and the Maidens had another close match, and both teams have a 2-2 record this season. Throughout the game the two teams were never more than a few points behind each other. The 8’s showed a tough defense, denying Maiden hotshot jammers like Romaniac and Grace Killy from breaking through the pack early in the game. The 8’s high scoring jammers , Pabsty Cline (21 points), Abba Zabba (20 points), and Captain Cookie Ciano (19 points) matched up well with Maiden jammers Rejected Seoul (29 points), Romaniac (15 points) and a large number of Maiden jammers who scored smaller amounts.

2nd Half
The game remained close. Rejected Seoul jammed solo, but was sent to the penalty box, giving Pabsty Cline a chance to retaliate by jamming solo the next jam. The penalty box began filling up again with Servin Justice, Grace Killy, and the mysterious Sea Hag. The teams were putting their all into it and halfway through we saw a 52 skater pileup, with over half the field tripped up and crashed on the floor. In the last jam, Servin Justice took down jammer Romaniac, and in turn Sexi Mexi took down 8’s jammer The Mechanic, but the 8’s skated to victory by four points.
“I was busy watching the lineup during 8s vs. Maidens, but I can say The Mechanic made a great comeback the 2nd half and Abba Zabba really will destroy you. The energy after the Shevils won was amazing. The entire crowd was cheering. Those patriotic ladies are going down in the championship though!” so says 8’s bench manager Jenerous Beatings.

This leads to an interesting showdown for the finals, January 26. The Shevil Knevils will take on the Crazy 8’s for the title. 8’s jammer Abba Zabba threatens, “Poop on the Shevils!” Knevil Captain Becky the Butcher has faith in her team, though and said to this reporter “You can just tell them the Shevils only win when it counts.”
The Rushin’ Rollettes will then play Maiden Milwaukee for third place. If this bout has proved anything, it’s that all bets are off!

Friday, December 14, 2007


MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 73 points over CRAZY 8’s 71 points

For those who haven’t been to a bout before (what, really?!) let me explains how it shakes down, in this case the first jam.
The ref sounds the first whistle and the pack takes off, lead by the pivots. In this case it’s Maiden Milwaukee’s Grace Killy leading blockers Madd Mallett, Sea Hag, and Sexi Mexi lined up against Crazy 8’s pivot Servin Justice leading blockers Kim N’ Tonic, Abba Zabba, and The Other White Meat. A few seconds pass and the second whistle sounds and the jammers take off, Pabsty Cline for the 8’s and Rejected Seoul for the Maidens.
Cline pushes her way through the pack once, circles, works her way through again, scoring points for each player she passes, and soon calls off the jam, scoring the first six points of the game. Cline will score 17 points tonight, while Seoul will score 12.
The Maidens quickly took over the lead in the next jam .Wow! Jam seven was a crowd pleaser as Abba Zabba was checked into the sidelines, Rejected Seoul knocked over, Sexi Mexi, and The Other White Meat sent packing to the penalty box. Zabba took the lead and skillfully avoided a collision with the bombed Nukly R. Assault. Seoul did some showboating before a time out was called.
Just before the half Captain Cookie Ciano was sent to the cage which allowed Maiden hot shot Romaniac to push the score up another five, leaving the score 32-40 Maidens at the half. Romaniac lead the night in the league as high scorer with 34 points. Cookie Ciano was not far behind, scoring 33 points for the 8’s.
2nd HALF
The heat was on and the crowd was going apeshit as the skaters got down to brass tacks. The Maiden’s lead widened for awhile with some speedy skating from their jammers and frequent visits from the 8’s to the penalty box. (ZABBA! JUSTICE! TUFFHIT! OTHER WHITE MEAT! TUFFHIT, AGAIN! JUSTICE: MAJOR PENALTY! CLINE!) The tide began to turn as Maidens also began to strike out with penalties and their sixteen point lead shrank to two. Pabsty Cline seemed particularily pissed at Mandini who knocked her down as Cline angrily swung back.
Abba Zabba jammed solo for the dramatic last jam putting the 8’s close but not close enough.

RUSHIN ROLLETTES 88 points over SHEVIL KNEVILS 47 points
The Knevils, announced as “The real Team Pretty” skated out smiling, doe eyed, and fluttered their hands in a wave to the “Ms. America Theme song”. They were making fun of the Rollette’s nick name, “Team Pretty” and the Knevil’s American versus the Rollettes cold war Communist sensibilities.
But the hootenanny was killed quickly for the Knevils as the Rushin jammers zoomed the scoreboard with lightening skating from Smirk Savage, Fly Girl, Dr. Hari Huha, and Jackie O’Nihilate. The Knevils caught up briefly as the half wore on. The Eviscerator put in a good jam and Irrational Velvet and Becky the Butcher were both left with jams in which they skated solo with Rollettes jammers stuck in the cage. The stunt skaters landed just five points behind at the half, 32-37.
2nd HALF
The jam is about to start and Knevils jammer Punch Kisser is staring straight ahead, ready to leap ahead when the whistle blows. Rollettes jammer Jackie O’Nihilate stares down at the floor concentrating her efforts. They’re off and O’Nihilate leads. The Knevils didn’t want to go out without a fight so they tried to play rough. Pound Anya of the Rollettes responded by taking down Trash Talkin Tina. Knevil Captain Becky the Butcher ended up in the penalty box. Soon after Punch Kisser was let out of the penalty box, her punch found it’s way to Fly Girl’s nose. In the end the Rollettes had skated a huge gap between the Knevils and won by 41 points. Fly Girl was the Rollette’s top scorer with 30 points, while Trash Talkin Tina was the Knevils high roller with 21 points.
The teams will face each other again on December 8. We will see if the losing teams have examined mistakes they’ve made this last bout or if they are doomed to repeat them. If the Knevils want a win they will have to slow down the Rollette’s speedy jammer squad. The 8’s and the Maidens had a very close game and it will be interesting to see who comes out ahead this time around.



A wolf howled as this reporter and Mae Killya (Crazy 8’s, out due to back complications) experienced our own nightmare on Ryan road…backed up turtle paced traffic due to a surge of derby fans trying to work through the down right spooky entrance to Bruiser Stadium (i.e. Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 W. Ryan Road). This led to us missing much of the first half of the 8’s v.s. Shevil Knevils

CRAZY 8’s -68 points SCARE OUT SHEVIL KNEVILS- 54 points

Second Half
Milwaukee’s Breast (nicknamed “Boobies”) collided with Servin Justice (also called “The Wall” among derby insiders) and let me tell you, it’s quite a sight when Boobies hit The Wall. Milwaukee’s Breast had this to say.
“Justice gave me a loose tooth! But that is fine, because the damage I'll do to her next time will be more painful!” Justice tell me she really had no choice in taking her out.
“I certainly don't encourage fighting at bouts, as there is a game to be played, and a game to win. But, that girl talked to much smack to me the week leading up to this bout, and all the way to the line up of the final jam of the game. I normally can keep my cool, and I'm just a cool gal, but when the game was over I knew she had to go down. She's lucky she only walked away with a loose tooth and a fat lip.”

Halftime Show
The Beerleaders returned with their routine done to “Thriller”(they also did it at last year’s Halloween bout) with an impressive DJ Milkman as Michael Jackson. My message to them for next year…THREEPEAT!

ROLLETTES 77 points SPOOK MAIDENS 70 points
“We were down to about 12 skaters for that bout so a lot of people got used in different positions for this game. As a blocker I was able to play in more jams and be more effective in the pack. It doesn't matter how in shape you are, jamming takes a lot out of you and a jammer will ending up sitting out more than a blocker will. I like being a versatile player for my team and being able to go in where ever I'm needed in a particular line up. Although I'm glad I did jam once, I owe it to my fans to be out there jamming.” –Grace Killy

Second Half
“The Maidens played a great game. They gave us a run for our money but we pulled through, like we always do!” –Fly Girl

Next Bout…NOVEMBER 10
I polled Bruisers from each team to try to get the forecast on next bout. Pound Anya, co-captain of the Rushin Rollettes reminds why we should write in her birthday on our calendars…
“You could pass along to Punch Kisser that she should have really called me on my birthday. Now I have made it my personal mission to shut her down completely, and I will. And to the rest of them, I say that we feed off of hatred, so we will appreciate all the power their fans will give us.”
Irrational Velvet of the Shevil Knevils tells us why the Knevils are more culturally relevant than the Rollettes…
“The Shevil's are the kids doing stunts in every American alley. The Rollettes are communists fighting with cold, bittered hearts. Our strategies on the court are equally opposite. Because we are so different, the bout is sure to be really action-tastic.”
Grace Killy of Maiden Milwaukee reiterates her team’s ‘working class, kicking ass’ attitude…
“The match against the Crazy 8's should be a good one for us. I think we bring a lot to the table as a team and we are able to match and overcome any strength that the 8's might have. A Blue collar girl can take a scrawny ninja any day of the week.”
Kim N’ Tonic of the Crazy 8’s predicts that shit will happen…
“Maiden my butt. They're going to suffer the same fate as Shevils. I hate poop on my wheels.” Kim seals this e-mail response to me with a frowning emoticon. Now that’s not a good sign. :(

Monday, October 15, 2007


Note from The Krulos: In honor of the back to school showdown, I have included footnotes throughout, guaranteed to help you reach a nirvana like state of higher learning.

I arrived way early for the first official bout of season two and got to see the bruise crew hard at work transforming the Milwaukee County Sports Complex into Bruiser Stadium for today's bloody after school special.
Everywhere Bruisers and volunteers were setting up tables, taping down the track, taping down signs, arranging and rearranging bleachers2, carrying ice and water, inspecting, changing, wandering, readjusting, introducing parents, scraping gunk off the track, etc., etc., and so on and so forth.

First Half
The Maidens made the audience think pink with a powerful performance that left the Shevils seeing stars despite their daredevilry. After stellar skating from Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul in the first two jams, the Maidens started with an eleven point head start. They kept it rolling, rolling, rolling, along with teammates Beezlebelle (Captain), Madd Mallett (co-captain), Mandini (rookie), and Sea Hag3 (nefarious witch). The Knevils
tried to roll with the punches and throw a few of their own. Punch Kisser and Becky the Butcher both bashed Grace Killy (((BOOM!))) but she kept going. Sea Hag was sent to the cage but shot out and through the pack when her time was up. The period ended with newbie Tam-A-Saurus Wreck’s 4 track time being extinct as she was sent to the cage.
I asked Wrecks to tell me about her trip to the penalty box and her impressions of her first official bout.
“I was sent to the penalty box for illegal fore arm use. I caught my finger on Bootsi Call's elbow pad and I have the bloody finger to show for it! Being in the box fucking sucks! It's hard to watch your team play knowing that they are skating one down because you are in the box! As for my first actual bout, I was born to play derby baby! I loved every second and can't wait until October!”
Second Half
Sea Hag's supernatural skating confuzzled her opponents, the triple T, Trash Talkin' Tina was sent to the penalty box for causing a kerfluffle, and Punch Kisser told the Maidens to kiss off in a couple of leading jams, but the Maidens maintained a large point gap throughout. Things ended dramatically when Sea Hag got popped in
the face (((crunch!))). The EMTs checked her out, but she carefully disguised her identity with a towel after removing her mask.
I asked Captain Beezlebelle to speculate on the Maiden's winning performance and she gave me a jazzy poetic saxophonic answer.
“My team is like a big ass pink party. We have fun. We stick together through all the thick, and all the thin. We are like peanut butter and speculation. And fun.”

RUSHIN' ROLLETTES 65 points vs. CRAZY 8'S 62 points
First Half
It was a tense match up between the ninjas and the commie operatives. Here's some raw, bone crunching notes of mine on the jams...
Jam 3- Poptart5, Boner baaaashed! Abba Zabba knocked over.
Jam 4- Some joker causes a false start with an air horn.
Jam 5- Mae Killya gets pushy (!!!) with Holly DeClaw.
Jam 6- Indiana Bones accidentally takes out ref Ming the Merciless6.
Jam 7- Jammers Abba Zabba and Smirk Savage and blocker Fidela Castrate all wipe out taking the corner (///CRASH!\\\)
Jam 9- Servin' Justice cracks Poptart (Ke-rrrrack!)
Jam 11- Little Miss Tuffhit eating curds and whey in the penalty box. Jailhouse Roxy knocked about repeatedly.(@#%!)
Second Half
“Go ninja go ninja GO!”7 The familiar rallying cry of the Crazy 8's. Visiting them on the bench was former teammate Tip-her Gore who now skates with the Gotham Girls Roller Derby in New York City. The score was tied up for several jams and both teams were trying mighty. Fidela Castrate and Reina Pain were asked to report to the principal's office, Abba Zabba slid through the first row of spectators, and newbie Kim N' Tonic threw down pieces of 8 on newbie Rollette jammer Dr. Hari Huha.
The last few jams were real nail biters, including one with a wild switch-a-roo. Abba Zabba was in the penalty box, so Reina Pain started the jam alone. Pain tangled with Indiana Bones, Zabba's penalty time was up, so she joined the fracas. The bell tolled for Pain, who was sent to the box and Captain Cookie Ciano started the next jam solo.
I asked newbie Indiana Bones 8 for her thoughts on the bout.
“It was the most intense, physically laborious, fun bout I have ever played. I am SO proud of my team, we played with a little over half our roster, and we played every jam like it was our first. Even though we didn't come through with a win, I couldn't have been happier to be a Crazy 8 that night. Go ninja!”
The last jam saw jammer Pabsty Cline to the cage. Servin Justice swiped Smirk Savage.9 Not surprisingly Savage had something to say about the evening.
“I'd like to say that I was surprised to hear that a lot of the 8s were so salty about the loss. Being that I'm the smack talkin' sore winner that I am I'd like to take this moment to offer up a huge platter of their own humble pie to go along with my dust. I heard after the bout that many of them were going on and on [during the bout] about how weak I am and how I can't take a hit... I guess that little theory fell flat on it's face. I'm no worse for wear today than I was the day before the bout... with the exception of a pretty damn sexy bruise on my rear. I may be small but I'm strong as the proverbial ox. Word up homeslice... put that in your pipe and smoke it.”
Fans from both teams were going nuts and as the clock runs out, the Rollettes won by three points.

1 September 8 is International Literacy Day. Patsy Cline, MTV's Kennedy, Neko Case, and Pink were all born on September 8.

2 People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder often are obsessed with arranging and rearranging items and are often frustrated with odd numbers. Soccer superstar David Beckham has OCD and admits he counts the cans of cola he keeps in his fridge, counts his clothes and places magazines in straight lines and symmetrical patterns.

3 The Sea Hag is also a character from the Popeye comic strip, first appearing in the 1930's. According to the bio at, she 'owns 412 secret islands and hideouts.'
4 Tyrannosaurus Rex, the 'tyrant lizard' lived in the Upper Cretaceous period, 65-67 million years ago.

5 In 1994, Texas A&M University professor Patrick Michaud performed an experiment proving that, when left in the toaster too long, strawberry Pop-Tarts could produce flames over a foot high. The discovery triggered a flurry of lawsuits. Since then, Pop-Tarts carry the warning: 'Do not leave toasting appliances unattended due to possible risk of fire.
6 Emperor Ming the Merciless is the nemesis of Flash Gordon. He rules from Mingo City on the planet Mongo.

Monday, September 17, 2007



Tea Krulos rolled into Incrediroll with a bad girl crew of Beerleaders and almost immediately started boxing a big ugly Russian dude, who probably showed up with the Rollettes. Biiiiiiiiig mofo, with claw scars on his head. Being a gentleman, Tea Krulos follows Queensberry rules, an old order of boxing etiquette.
“Let’s do this thing.” He told the Russian. He got in 38 solid punches (thwak, thwackity, twack, twack, left jab, right, right, right, left, left, twack, twack) before he was knocked out. Oh well, it was just a video game!

The Rollettes commanded the lead and jammer Fly Girl was in top form imposing a ‘no fly zone’ on the 8’s. Fellow Rollette Dr. Hari Huha got much “hoo-ing” and “ha-ing” from the crowd. The Knevils tried to keep it real with solid jams from Trash Talkin Tina, Milwaukee’s Breast, and newbie Irrational Velvet. Velvet tried to get rational with this reporter when he asked her if she thought the Knevils could pull through with a winning season.
“When you say pull through I immediately get a vision of a diseased old person beating that creepy old person disease. Please understand that the phrase pull through does not belong in the same sentence as Shevil. If you'd asked if we'd fight the good fight this year, Tea, with super extra awe inspiring, bruise inflicting derby tricks , I'd say ABSOLUTELY!” Velvet stated. Could the Knevils be this year’s champs?

CRAZY 8’S, 35 points V.S. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE, 23 points
The mysterious and elusive Sea Hag has returned! Newbies Mandini(MM) and The Mechanic(8’s) had a well played, intense match up. They were neck and neck but Mandini “falled it and called it”. Servin Justice(8’s) reminded everyone why she’s called “The Wall” as she knocked over a mess of Maidens. Things hit ground zero for newbie Nukly R. Assault(MM) as the EMTs examined her ankle and wheeled her out.
“My left ankle twisted in and my whole body kind of crunched on it. Hurt like hell when it happened and swelled up a bit. But it was just a sprain and is healing very fast.” Assault informed me.
The Maidens couldn’t catch up despite stellar skating by Romainiac, Sea Hag, Rejected Seoul, and company. I asked Maully Malone if she was confident in her team’s abilities this year.
“I know the maidens will continually gain momentum and see a winning season. Have you seen how rad our new girls are? All our team does is progress and learn and grow together more and more every week. We're really excited to see what we do this year.” She said. Fellow Maiden and former ref Gloria Hole added,
“With the expos over and the pre-season rapidly drawing to a close, I'd like to give one final shout-out to the Dirty Thirty and take a second to say how proud I am to have been a part of such a fabulous gang of hardworking ladies.” Could the Maidens be this year’s champs?

The Beerleaders were in fine form doing “The Girls Want To Be Her” by Peaches. A hand gesture known as “the shocker” was displayed. If you are not familiar with “the shocker” or how indeed one “rocks it” you won’t find out here because I do not want to corrupt the innocent minds reading this e-newsletter.

CRAZY 8’s WIN BIG, 43 points V.S. Rushin’ Rollettes, 21 points
The 8’s were itching to rematch the Rollettes after the Rollettes walked away with last year’s championship. The skating was fast and furious. The Rollettes jammer squad included Fly Girl, Rhoda Ruin, and Fidela Castrate, who was a blocker last season. I asked her if liked jamming or blocking better.
"I enjoy both equally, either way this season I will be like a Cuban chopping down sugar cane." Tough words. Could the Rollettes be this year’s champs? The 8’s kept it rolling steady with Pabsty Cline, who got into an ugly ankle twister, Cookie Ciano, Termiskater, and Abba Zabba. It was a solid performance and they pushed ahead to beat the Rollettes by 22 points. Could the 8’s be this year’s champs?
Find out this season!

Friday, July 13, 2007


It was a hot day and millions of cicadas were buzzing, was it a bad omen? I cruised down to the Orbits roller rink with Jenerous Beatings, Pistolero, and fellow derby fans Dave and Evan. Our fearless travel team was set to match up against the Chi Town Sirens, one of two Chicago based leagues.
There were four jammers and they were all doing a great job, Reina Pain, Grace Killy, Cookie Ciano, and Rejected Seoul. The Sirens with the most jam time were Captain Beth Amphetamine, Donna D Apocalypse, and Karmageddon. The two teams were neck and neck the first period, ending with the nail biting score of 33-33!
In the second period we saw Ciano use her own teammate as a bowling ball to knock down the Sirens. Seoul and Pain were cruising through the pack like lightening, and the second period ended with the Bruisers behind by a close seven points.
The Bruisers took the lead in the third period. All the jammers were stepping up to kick some ass, but their lead started to disappear, as players were sent to the penalty box. But Jenerous Beatings thought the problem might be elsewhere.
“TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING SUNGLASSES!” she yelled several times to referee BB Wolfe. After the bout, however, he showed her that the sunglasses actually make things look lighter. Think Terminator or Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses At Night”. The Sirens pulled ahead and won the match 103-90. Hey, those FIBs play a mean game! I got a chance to talk to Siren Captain Beth Amphetamine after the bout and here’s what she had to say:
“The teams were very evenly matched and the bout was hard fought until the end.... and then we all went out drinking. They are a great group of women. I’m looking forward to a re-match in Milwaukee!”

A nostalgic moment for this humble derby journalist, who started documenting the Bruise crew at their first expo bout at last year’s Summerfest. Go BRUISERS!

CRAZY 8’s- 19 points vs. RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 24 points
8’s jammer Pabsty Cline started the match off by facing newbie jammer Dr. Hari Huha. Each team has several newbies this year, and it looks like a fine bumper crop. Cline led, but heard a Huha not far behind her. Ivanna Smackdavitch is back in action, after sitting out much of last season, so look out!
Newbies Jail House Roxie (RR) and Kat Ass Trophy (8’s) faced off, along with season one all stars Fly Girl (RR) and Abba Zabba (8’s)

SHEVIL KNEVILS- 10 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 27 points
Romaniac might be the Maiden newbie jammer to look out for. She was cruising like a firecracker both days, swooping and smiling her way through the pack. There was a surreal moment when Bootsi Call (SK) who wasn’t even skated up, ran onto the track and tackled Grace Killy, Maiden jammer and Captain of the BCB travel team, who, by the way Bootsi is co-captain of. I asked Bootsi for an explanation to her behavior.
“I tolerated Grace Killy's sassiness and show boating while we captained the travel team together. But now that we're on different teams I can openly be her sworn enemy. I vow to take her down every time the Shevil's play the Maidens,whether I'm skating or not.
That girl is going to be on her ass one way or another. If I have to tackle her from the bench every time, so be it.”
“Bootsi's a big talker. It's just too bad she doesn't have the skills to back up her mouth.” Killy responded.
Sexi Mexi (MM) moshed Pistolero (SK) Maiden style, and newbies Mandini and Edna Gein and Evil’s Agent (all three MM) showed off their skills.

SHEVIL KNEVILS- 13 points vs. CRAZY 8’s- 22 points
Wow! Things were totally crazy on the track today. Everyone and their mothers were getting into brawls. It started almost immediately with Disco InSterno and Termiskater wrestling on the concrete, dragging in refs Swing Wreck and Machete Holiday, almost making zebra stew out of them. Bam a lam! Shevils Captain Becky The Butcher wasn’t joking around when she slammed down Kat Ass Trophy. Ka-Pow! Jenerous Beatings of the 8’s brang the beat down to Shevils co-captain, the mohawk sporting Sugar Tank.
Beatings told me about the lead up to the fight.
“She was ragging on me all day about how her team was going to win and the final straw was when she yanked on my hair during the jam. That was it. That bitch had to go down. I got a few good hits in. I bet she has a nice bruise on her ribcage right about now.”
Shhhhhmack! Next on the bad girls list is Norma Bates (SK) who got psycho on Mel Evolence (8’s). Crunch! Servin Justice, also known as “The Wall” knocked down Shevil jammer Disco InSterno. Newbie jammer Irrational Velvet (SK) cruised hard but was knocked over by newbie Kim N’ Tonic (8’s).

What?! RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 5 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 23 points
It was a proud day for the Maidens as they beat down last year’s season champions, the Rollettes. Newbie Maiden jammers Romaniac and Mandini, skated well, along with last season’s heavy hitters Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul. Seoul instigated a couple fights this evening, and regular Talk Derby readers are pretty familiar with her antics. She started off by taking out Rollette newbie Melba Toastya, later tackled Poptart, ripping off her pivot patch and throwing it! Mandini was cruising and, ouch, got tackled by Rollette newbie, the geisha make up sporting Gogo Atari. The two apparently have a magical and mysterious history of confrontation.
“What HASN'T Mandini done to piss me off?!? First she showed me how to make a wallet disappear--using mine as an example, leaving me completely broke--and then she sawed my baby pet albino monkey Miruku in half while laughing maniacally. Then when I tied her up and threw her into the lake, I turned around and there she was! She's had that comin' for a while, now.” Indeed.


The teams lined up to face off for the big prize, a case of Miller Light. With this on the line, it shouldn’t be surprising that brawls were breaking every turn. Maiden Newbie Scarmelo Soprano got mafioso on 8’s Newbie The Other White Meat. If “Meatie” looks familiar it’s because her sister Milwaukee’s Breast, more commonly known as “Boobies” shreds it up with the Shevils. I asked Soprano to sing.
“I actually do love the The Other White Meat, she's awesome, but she kept trying to start shit with me so I had to take her down a peg! We are both very competitive with each other.”
Mandini knocked Little Miss Tuffit onto her tuffet.
“There’s only room for one munchkin on the track and that’s me, she needs to watch her back!” Tuffhit told me.
By now the penalty box was getting crowded. The Maidens emerged victorious, and seemed to have a good mix of experienced players and talented newbies.

Maiden Milwaukee’s Sexi Mexi received a knee injury. Big boos to the beer stand nearby who would not part with their precious ice when concerned team mate BTE asked for some.
8’s jammer Pabsty Cline found herself with mystery symptoms after the match.
“After the bout I started getting really dizzy and sick. They kept checking my heart rate and it kept going up every time they checked it so they took me away to First Aid. My heart rate still wouldn't go down so they gave me an EKG to make sure it wasn't my heart. I don't think they knew what was going on because they had to call in other paramedics to get a second opinion on the EKG. Finally my heart rate went down (after about an hour) and they let me leave.”


“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” Whiskey Longstocking is calling off the steps to “Supersonic,” a bouncy hip hop song by JJ Fad. This is day one, April 14, of the two day audition process for the Beerleaders, the cheer squad for the Brew City Bruisers roller derby league. The returning Beerleaders from last year, the first season, demonstrate the routine and then Whiskey leads them through the first part.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” The audition is taking place at Bucketworks, a converted warehouse space that bills itself as a “fitness center for the brain”. The tryouts are in the dance studio on the second floor. Some people might say the room is beat up, but I say it has character. Ancient radiators line one wall, and a pipe sprinkler system zig zags the ceiling. The floor is lined with tape and is warped by water damage in one corner. The other wall is a collection of mirrors.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” A pleasant breeze shoots through the open window, along with the call of seagulls. Whiskey has shown them the second set of steps, and now they are going to try to do both sets of steps together.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8, and 1-2,3-4, 5-6, 7-8.” They go through this a couple times, slowly.
The audition had begun an hour earlier.
There are six returning Beerleaders, Phyllis Swiller, Robin Ya’Blind, Anais Sin, Tipsy Lipsy, Pussy LaGore, and Whiskey Longstocking. There were several other Beerleaders who were part of the squad, but as is often the case, several moved, or became wrapped up in work or school.
“It is a time commitment.” Robin Ya’Blind stresses to the recruits, six of which have shown up today. All of the women present are sitting in a circle on the floor. The recruits are filling out an application titled “Want to be a Beerleader?” Then the Beerleaders begin telling them the history of the squad, which began with a winter of 2006 meeting at Broad Vocabulary, a feminist bookstore in Bay View. They began looking at rehearsal spaces, eventually calling Bucketworks home.
“We’re not your average cheerleaders.” Swiller says, smiling.
They then go around the circle explaining why they are here today.
“I was a cheerleader for twelve years in school, and when I saw you at Summerfest (for a Bruiser expo bout) I missed being part of a group of girls…”
“I was a cheerleader in high school, but I was the fat one with purple streaks in my hair.”
“I hang out with a lot of guys and thought this would be a great way to exercise and socialize with women…”
“… when I talk about the Beerleaders, my face just lights up and I get a little twinkle in my eye…”
Someone mentions they didn’t feel like possibly spraining a leg or getting their teeth knocked out by strapping on skates with the Bruisers. But the Beerleaders have some war stories of their own, bruises and twisted ankles. This leads Robin Ya’Blind to talk about more potential strains. She is articulate and precise.
“We like to be individuals, but we also need to work together as a team. You need to work with others and keep a positive attitude and keep dancing. Learn the basics of derby so you know when to cheer. Be an open communicator. It’s tough to work with all women.” As dance choreographer, Pussy agrees.
“You’re going to get frustrated and pissed off at me. But it all comes together. Somehow it always does.” They outline a typical Beerleader practice. A half hour of stretching, an hour of dancing, followed by a half hour of talking about cheers, upcoming events, costume ideas (“By the way, fishnet stockings are on clearance at Target”), etc. They mention time commitment again.
“One time we were practicing in someone’s backyard at 9 at night.”
They go over what an actual bout is like. The recruits must get used to the fact that they will be facing huge crowds of people, many armed with flash cameras.

“Okay, Let’s try it together now. We are rough (clap) we are tough we’re the Bruisers (clap) and we’ll (right punch) fuck you (left punch) up (extend arm and flip the bird).” They go over it a couple times. They go on to a new cheer, “On Your Knees”.
After a water break, they do some stretches and exercises to get ready for practicing the aforementioned “Supersonic” routine. They do jumping jacks, leg lifts, kung fu kicks, the Riverdance, a cabaret kick, arm stretches, toe touches, palm plants, the London bridge, and more. Then Whiskey starts counting it off.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!”

It’s a lazy Sunday. The Beerleaders are sitting around chatting and examining the auditioning girl’s forms. Anais Sin sits on the floor sprinkling mozzarella cheese on tortillas and eating them.
“There’s a microwave downstairs you know.” Someone says. She shrugs. Then a recruit tells about her Saturday night.
“My husband wanted to go to the Riverhorse at 3AM. I told him they were closed and I had to work in the morning anyhow, so he rolled down his window and was yelling, spelling out lame…L-A-M-E-! over and over.” After a run through of the cheers, they do warm ups. Phyllis Swiller is sitting on the floor, handwriting six evaluation forms for the recruits, who will have to perform the “Supersonic” routine in front of everyone solo.
“Why don’t you go downstairs and make copies on the copy machine?”
“Does it even work?”
“You don’t know until you ask!”
“Cause every time I try to use it, it doesn’t work.”
“Well, then, that machine’s just a cocktease.”
At 2PM the individual auditions begin to “Supersonic”. After each audition there is note writing on the evaluation forms and general small talk, including speculation on the size of Orlando Bloom’s package. Unfortunately for Mr. Bloom, the consensus is that it’s probably pretty small.
Each girl does a fine job remembering the “1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8.”
“I have to say we did an amazing job, it was like a real try out.” Swiller tells me. She makes an announcement to the group, who is assembling their backpacks, water bottles, and other gear.
“Thanks for showing up, everyone, I’ll give you a call on Wednesday and let you know.”

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Bruisers in Vegas!

The Brew City Bruisers Travel Team recently travelled to Vegas, baby. They lost to the Sin City Neander Dolls, but it was a great first effort on the road. Be sure to check them out this Saturday at the Franklin Sports Complex, where the travel team will take on the Minnesota Roller Girls.
Brewcity Bruisers: 80 points, 43 penalties
Sin City Neander Dolls: 124 points, 37 penalties

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Arm Wrestling Throwdown!

I was glad to host an unofficial Brew City Bruisers Arm Wrestling contest in my kitchen during a huge rummage sale I was having on April 28. Grace Killy, Abba Zabba, Jenerous Beatings, Smirk Savage, and Big Terrible Easy participated. Beatings beat out Zabba for third, and after a long, intense deadlock, BTE pushed ahead to beat Killy for the number one spot, although Smirk presented and won a left hand challenge. Thanks much to these Bruisers, it was a blast!

Also, I was quite honored to be a guest judge for the second annual Bruisers karaoke contest, along with represenatives from WMSE and KISS FM. It was a great time and all the singers did a fine job.